Idioms are literally crazy. Or at the least, very weird.

In case you slept through English class that day, I’ll bring you up to speed. According to Merriam-Webster, an idiom is “an expression in the usage of a language that has a meaning that cannot be understood from the combined meanings of its elements (such as up in the air for ‘undecided’) or in its grammatically atypical use of words (such as give way for ‘retreat’).”

A funny thing about idioms is that they only work one way. If you substitute words that have the same definition, you don’t get the same meaning. If you get any meaning at all.

For example, “Joe was under the garbage piles” is not the same as “Joe was down in the dumps.” Or “The morning after a night of heavy drinking, Cindy sampled the fur of the cur” is a strange way to say “Cindy tried the hair of the dog.”

Idioms can be especially confusing to people trying to learn the English language. But you know what’s fun? Making idioms confusing to everyone.

A work colleague and I decided to start throwing out literally equivalent absurd statements in business meetings while acting like they were perfectly normal. Some of our similarly minded (that is to say, unbalanced) co-workers figured it out and laughed along with us. Others thought we had lost our minds.

Just for fun, let’s take a look at a few twisted idioms at work.

*  *  *

A day at the Acme Advertising Agency:

Before the Meeting

ROGER:   Are you ready for the presentation with that large hairpiece from the new client?

DON:        Yeah, we’ve got all our geese in a line. And Ted Smith, their VP of Marketing, seems like a good guy. He’s accurate with a firearm.

ROGER:   Good luck. I’ve got my digits intertwined for you.

After the Meeting

ROGER:   How did it go?

DON:        Well, we kind of got off on the erroneous pedis when Peggy mispronounced the CEO’s name.

ROGER:   Oh no! Were you able to return the wheels to the rails?

DON:        Yeah, everyone laughed about it, and I felt like we had a virtuous molecular science.

 I presented the creative, and I could tell we were all on the equivalent folio. Ted was particularly impressed with our social media campaigns that spread like germs.

ROGER:   Sounds like you smote it away from the recreational area.

DON:        It seemed that way, until Pete started presenting the media budget. Ted asked some unexpected questions, and Pete started squirming like he had hymenoptera in his jodhpurs.

ROGER:   Oh, no. Did he get in higher than his pate again?

DON:        Pretty much. He got away from his prepared notes and started to discharge from the pelvis.

ROGER:   Hmm. Send out a conference report right away. You want to be sure to upholster your donkey.

DON:        Yes, I’ll vibrate a lower appendage.

ROGER:   Well, when the clock hands finally reach midnight, the state of being is the state of being.

*  *  *

If you need it, here’s a normal version.

Before the Meeting

ROGER:   Are you ready for the presentation with that big wig from the new client?

DON:        Yeah, we’ve got all our ducks in a row. And Ted Smith, their VP of Marketing, seems like a good guy. He’s a straight shooter.

ROGER:   Good luck. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you.

After the Meeting

ROGER:   How did it go?

DON:        Well, we kind of got off on the wrong foot when Peggy mispronounced the CEO’s name.

ROGER:   Oh no! Were you able to get back on track?

DON:        Yeah, everyone laughed about it, and I felt like we had a good chemistry.

 I presented the creative, and I could tell we were all on the same page. Ted was particularly impressed with our social media campaigns that went viral.

ROGER:   Sounds like you knocked it out of the park.

DON:        It seemed that way, until Pete started presenting the media budget. Ted asked some unexpected questions, and Pete started squirming like he had ants in his pants.

ROGER:   Oh, no. Did he get in over his head again?

DON:        Pretty much. He got away from his prepared notes and started to shoot from the hip.

ROGER:   Hmm. Send out a conference report right away. You want to be sure to cover your @$$.

DON:        Yes, I’ll shake a leg.

ROGER:   Well, at the end of the day, it is what it is.

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Can you think of any other twisted idioms? I’d love to hear them! Post them below.